Tears for fears

That last post was getting ridiculously long so I'm going to finish up here. While Debbie and I were waiting in the lounge area for the nurse to give her the B12 shot she had another episode where the pain was so intense she doubled over and tears were streaming out of her eyes. I looked around the room and no one...I mean no one else was in distress, seemed to be in pain or was crying. I saw Dr. Jonas out of the corner of my eye and called to him so he could see what was happening to her and I got a "just a minute," as if I just wanted to ask him the time. Debbie just kept saying "shhh..shhhh...it's okay." Clearly it wasn't okay, but the nurse came for her before the doctor could walk around the partition. After the shot Debbie said she felt really "out of it" and wondered if he had seen her crying and assumed it was because of the news he delivered rather than the pain, and had slipped something in the shot to calm her.

There hasn't been a lot of cancer in my family...it has either come at a very advanced age or in my parent's case, they both died so young, they didn't get the chance to develop cancer. I've never had to deal with seeing someone you love in so much pain and feeling so helpless. I'm ashamed to say, but it's taken this sad turn of events for my sister and I to grow closer. As I've mentioned we were often at odds growing up, and for a good portion of her life, she drank too much and really wasn't that enjoyable to be around. But that's in the past and I'm finding she's really funny and smarter than she gives herself credit for. I'm determined to do whatever I can to help her in this fight..and she wants to fight...and we'll fight for as long and as hard as she wants and then when she gets tired, we'll rest. I can't exactly leave my husband and kids and move in with her, or forsake my job, but short of that I want to be there for her in any way I can.

I helped Debbie out of the office and volunteered to run over to the pharmacy and fill her pain medication while Ray went to get the car and she waited. I knew she couldn't afford the meds at the moment and she needed them immediately. But she wanted to walk over there with me so we headed to the next building while Ray took a copy of her oncology report over to Dr. Katz, who is treating Debbie's RSD. It took about 10 minutes for the prescription to get filled and Debbie wasn't in the system yet for Medicaid and didn't have her approval letter with her. It killed me to hear her in the back of the room whimpering. It was breaking my heart to know she was in that much pain. She said it felt like the same pain she had when she was admitted for pneumonia several weeks back. I gave her a Percocet as soon as I got the prescription and prayed it would go to work soon. She told me she took as many as 6 a day of those and they're the "fill-in" medication when her pain patch isn't doing the job. She saw the bill for the meds attached to the bag and apologized over and over for how much it cost. As if I gave a rat's ass...that's why God made credit cards.

Ray showed up and had brought the car around to the front of the building and he and the security guard helped her out. I was trying to hold on and not cry in front of her but I really didn't want to leave her. I asked her if she wanted to go to the ER and she said yes so Ray said he would take her. Ultimately they kept her for a while to monitor her blood pressure, which once again, was dangerously high and always a concern. Before they left, I found out they didn't have a cell phone with them, which scared the bejesus out of me. What if she became unconscious or they had an accident or the car broke down on the way back home? Well, at least this was something I could take care off... so I vowed to go research prepaid cellphones and get her one for emergency use. They left and I called my husband and cried.

Next post: I'm ready to open a can of "Whup Ass"