So much has happened...good and bad. We watched Debbie for several days and her blood pressure was good and she was responding well to the time release oral morphine. She was using the pain pump infrequently so we thought there was a chance she could go home. Much to our suprise the Doctor agreed, so the wheels were put in motion to make that happen. I spent Friday night with her and got her up and dressed. I held it together pretty well, mainly because we were all so frigging happy she was going "home", but when I saw her sitting in that stretcher to be moved to the ambulance, I just lost it.
Debbie looks like a baby bird right now. She's so frail and she has those little wisps of black hair coming in. She's sleeping a lot but when she opens those blue eyes and gives you a smile, or says something smartass, you feel as though you've won the lottery.
Once we got to DeAnn's they had to bring her in on a chair because the stairs were problematic, but the room was ready and we got her all situated. She fell asleep almost immediately and she just looked so relaxed and peaceful. She was happy to be home and later told Deann how happy she was to be there. In her bedroom is a photo of all five of the siblings going left to right from youngest (Tina) to oldest (me) with DeAnn, Sonny and Debbie in the middle. Debbie was always the prettiest and she had such long hair. She was quite proud of that hair. So sad to see it gone and her light fading.
I don't have the emotional strength at the moment to recount the last four days but it included very little sleep and my sister DeAnn was worn out. I got home from work yesterday around 7:45 pm and DeAnn called me around 8:30 to say Deb was having trouble breathing, was in a great deal of pain and had not taken her 4pm meds because she couldn't swallow them. Debbie wanted to go to the ER, which you can't do once you sign the hospice papers. I called the on-call nurse who agreed to come out and evaluate Debbie and I jumped in the car, breaking several speed limits to get there. Clearly the folks in front of me on Riverdale Road did not know I had a sick sister.
Bottom line is Debbie was transported back to the hospice last night. DeAnn and I were both in tears because we felt like we had let Deb down. We really thought, that between the two of us, with some major support from Ray and some occasional support from other family members and hospice volunteers that we could cover having someone with Debbie 24 hours a day. DeAnn found out rather quickly how totally consuming and exhausting it is, although she never once complained. For a mountain of reasons, I won't go into, DeAnn and I came to the realization we can't depend on Ray. So our dream of a peaceful sister, dying at home, was in shatters.
You need only to look at my baby bird to tell she can't swallow. Her throat actually has an deep inward indentation. The hospice doctor is putting all her meds in her IV line now so Debbie will be sedated most of the time. There won't be anymore watching "Case Case" at 1 am, or 3am bathroom trips, our laughter or silly comments. It will just be quiet waiting. Just waiting for what we know is coming but wish so very much wasn't. Simply not ready for this.
DeAnn just texted me to say Debbie was having a good dream and was smiling. That made me smile too.
Next post: Where do I start and don't get me started
No comments:
Post a Comment